I have decided to pursue medical transition with the NHS.
I guess I always knew it would happen. Like I’ve always looked at myself naked and absolutely 100% not related to what I have seen.
My main source of dysphoria are my boobs. Whenever people are looking to gender me, they always look at my chest. If they can see boobs, I’m a girl. If they can’t see boobs, I’m a boy. What if I’m neither? What if I’m just a masculine enby who is trying to struggle through life the best that they can?
As things go, I’d rather top surgery before anything else. I’d even wait to go on testosterone if it means I don’t have to have tits anymore. The thing is though, I know that’s not going to happen. When I eventually get seen by the gender clinic, they’ll put me on testosterone. I’ll grow facial hair and my voice will deepen. I hate binding my chest for sensory reasons, but I’ll have to for safety. Using binary toilets will be even more of a nightmare than it is now with a beard and a big old pair of baps. It’s a good job I have a radar key. I think I’ll be using that more as time goes on.
Also I’m petrified of surgery. It gets better right? I’ve never broken anything or been under general anaesthetic in my life. I have a high pain tolerance, but that doesn’t negate being in pain whilst I recover, nipple infections and all the other horror stories I’ve read about. Mostly those who undergo top surgery seem to have had a great experience though. Lessening of dysphoria, “passing” as male if that is something they desire and a general better sense of who they are. I guess a lot of trans folks assigned female at birth have dysphoria with their boobs and this makes it a whole lot better. I’m looking forward to people not staring at my chest for some magical gender marker and I’m looking forward to being able to wear shirts and vests without my cleavage.
What has this got to do with being queer and being vegan I hear you cry!?
Well my gender will always be queer as will my sexuality. I’m not transitioning to become a man, more to enhance my masculinity and lessen my gender dysphoria. This is why I identify as nonbinary and furthermore now as transmasculine nonbinary.
My veganism is about to hit year 12 tomorrow. It took me 20 years to figure that out and it’s taken me 31 to figure out, or more to the point build up the courage to transition. Both things I know are essential to my mental health and emotional well being because I’m being true to myself. The more true I am to myself the more I grow and that is what this life is all about right?