I have decided to pursue medical transition with the NHS.
I guess I always knew it would happen. Like I’ve always looked at myself naked and absolutely 100% not related to what I have seen.
My main source of dysphoria are my boobs. Whenever people are looking to gender me, they always look at my chest. If they can see boobs, I’m a girl. If they can’t see boobs, I’m a boy. What if I’m neither? What if I’m just a masculine enby who is trying to struggle through life the best that they can?
As things go, I’d rather top surgery before anything else. I’d even wait to go on testosterone if it means I don’t have to have tits anymore. The thing is though, I know that’s not going to happen. When I eventually get seen by the gender clinic, they’ll put me on testosterone. I’ll grow facial hair and my voice will deepen. I hate binding my chest for sensory reasons, but I’ll have to for safety. Using binary toilets will be even more of a nightmare than it is now with a beard and a big old pair of baps. It’s a good job I have a radar key. I think I’ll be using that more as time goes on.
Also I’m petrified of surgery. It gets better right? I’ve never broken anything or been under general anaesthetic in my life. I have a high pain tolerance, but that doesn’t negate being in pain whilst I recover, nipple infections and all the other horror stories I’ve read about. Mostly those who undergo top surgery seem to have had a great experience though. Lessening of dysphoria, “passing” as male if that is something they desire and a general better sense of who they are. I guess a lot of trans folks assigned female at birth have dysphoria with their boobs and this makes it a whole lot better. I’m looking forward to people not staring at my chest for some magical gender marker and I’m looking forward to being able to wear shirts and vests without my cleavage.
What has this got to do with being queer and being vegan I hear you cry!?
Well my gender will always be queer as will my sexuality. I’m not transitioning to become a man, more to enhance my masculinity and lessen my gender dysphoria. This is why I identify as nonbinary and furthermore now as transmasculine nonbinary.
My veganism is about to hit year 12 tomorrow. It took me 20 years to figure that out and it’s taken me 31 to figure out, or more to the point build up the courage to transition. Both things I know are essential to my mental health and emotional well being because I’m being true to myself. The more true I am to myself the more I grow and that is what this life is all about right?
Frankie
Queer Vegan 
That’s brilliant news Frankie. Everyone deserves to be happy in life and those who are not for what ever reason are entitled to follow what ever path they need to find that happiness and contentment. I to am in a situation with my sexuality, I came out as bi a while ago and was accepted by most friends and family I myself have struggled like fuck to accept
Grew up in a crowd where being gay or bi was frowned upon. But I battle with my demons as we all do that face the hate mobs . All because we seek to true and happy to ourselves within. Hope your journey gets you to a place you can feel complete.
Love and respect Paul Axtell.
I hope your journey also gets you to a place where you can be at peace. 🙂
Hi Frankie
I want to ask your permission to forward this to a colleague of mine. Carla Valentine is the technical curator of the Barts Pathology Museum here at Barts Hospital. (Her blog is called Chick and the Dead I think, if you want to check her out first). She organises talks about interesting and different subjects focusing on areas which may be considered slightly taboo to Joe Public. She is currently preparing for the next series which is called “Creating the Human.” One of the events is about transplants and prostheses, one is about Frankenstein’s Monster and the actual logistics of putting together dead body parts, one is about body modification in ‘tribal savages’ according to Darwin etc etc. I mentioned to her that looking at non-binary , transgender and the issues facing people like yourself would make a great addition to the series. She is very keen to pursue this. I am not sure how you would feel coming to London to present but if it is not for you then you may know someone who would take up the challenge. If you are happy for me to put Carla in contact with you I would be very grateful as I know you are continually struggling to explain to people like myself how you should be treated and respected and hopefully understood. Anyway please let me know one way or the other as I don’t want to hassle you if you are not interested.
thanks
sue
Sent from Outlook
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Hi Sue! I’m happy to have a conversation with her. Get her to give me a bell on Facebook.