I’ve only really come around to the idea of Christmas this year. Every year previous I’ve organised an event called Big Gay Christmas, where we would typically avoid general Christmas activities, get drunk and have a laugh with our friends. I would host an open house party and people would drop in and out all day, eat food and play video games with me. It also meant CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST and who doesn’t like that one day a year? Last year unfortunately I was severely let down. I spent most of the day by myself, until a kind friend invited me over and by which point I was so drunk and upset I fell asleep on her sofa.  With that in mind I decided that my generosity was no long appreciated and therefore would no longer be offered. Luckily I have a lovely Beardy who has a great family and they are having us and the woofer over for Christmas. This gives me great joy because for the first time in ten years, SOMEONE ELSE WILL BE COOKING! (Although I have agreed to make mulled wine.)

I’m at Mykey’s family for Christmas, so that means I’m at my parent’s for New Years. I promised them I’d make something tasty, so I decided I’d do a bit of a random tapas menu. Clearly I needed to practise it as well, due to my family being rather large. (Quite ironic for someone so avidly against population expansion.)

The menu is as follows:

• Parsnip soup
• Home made bread
• Plant based cheeses
• Chutneys and jellies
• Bread crackers
• Dutch apple cake (blatantly store brought)
• Sweet, breaded and roasted “ham”
• “Steak” and ale mini pies
• Fruit jelly and custard
• Roast potatoes
• Thai “fish” cakes
• Mushroom pate

Obviously you need to like make gravy and steam some vegetables of your choice, but that is a 4-6 person spread right there.